if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Randomize
