do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
