I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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