Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
