My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I will be naked everywhere
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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