You just made me feel so damn special
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
