So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
