i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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