omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
