my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
