he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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