Yo dont text me then not text me
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
