just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
