I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
