remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
