Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
