She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize