Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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