Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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