Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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