wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
