he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
