I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
