Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
