So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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