so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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