My cat gives me a boner
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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