The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
