planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
