I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
