We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
