So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize