I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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