just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
