PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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