Cold hands, warm shart.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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