Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
