And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
