So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
