I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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