All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
