Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
