Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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