I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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