Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
