Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
