Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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