i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
