Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize