So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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