You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
