i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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