I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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