So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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