hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
