so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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