did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
