my soul wont recognize me after tonight
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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