remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
