He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
